My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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