I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
