I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is the high leading the old right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
