True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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