My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
