yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
