now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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