oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
