I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
