Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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