I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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