New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
