he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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