I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
