Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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