I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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