Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
