I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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