hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
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get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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