when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
