Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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