I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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