You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
