So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
