I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
