just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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