What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets