woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
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Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?