Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
