4 words: hood of his car
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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