Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't