Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
