Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
