Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
