i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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