i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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