the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
