the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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