toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Reggie can tackle my bush.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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