Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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