She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
