your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I currently don't understand fingers.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
