She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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