Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
