Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Jerry, you need to find god
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
