I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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