PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
