so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's shark week go big or go home
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
