already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
