omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
