Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
