I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ladies don't puke and tell
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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