honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
