Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize