Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
