So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
