Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
