Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
