Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
